What is there to say about Van Halen, other than that they suck?

Honestly, though, I can be fair. As a music reviewer and a reporter, I've learned how to look at things objectively. Instead of simply saying, "Van Halen sucks," I could explain why Van Halen sucks, or how bad they suck.

I've come a long way since my early days as a music critic. From my meager beginnings reviewing and previewing little no-name bands to interviewing the likes of Iggy Pop and Tony Bennett, my outlook on the music world has changed a bit over the past years.

But one thing hasn't changed - and that's my opinion of Van Halen. Whether it's the horrendous Sammy "I Can't Drive 55" Hagar, the smug David Lee Roth, or the group's latest rumored replacement singer, Gary Cherone of the one-hit-wonder Extreme, one thing will probably be true - Van Halen will always stink worse than a 3-year-old plate of fried smelt from the University's dorm cafeterias.

Nevertheless, Van Halen will always be special to me. Yeah, I remember my Mom driving me to elementary school with "Jump" playing on the radio. I remember the grisly break-up of Diamond Dave from the gang and Sammy Hagar taking over. And how could I forget Dave's "Just a Gigolo" and "California Girls" videos with those oh-so-politically-incorrect yet quite awesome images?

But Van Halen means something special to me as a journalist - something I can only say for a few bands. Diamond Dave's solo release "Your Filthy Little Mouth" was one of my first record reviews for the Daily. But it was my review of VH's "Balance" that gave me a special love for the band. It wasn't my review that did it for me, but the letter I earned because of the review. It was my first letter to the editor.

I don't sit at home and dream about getting letters, but it's an honor to know someone out there was pissed off enough by what I wrote, and wasted his time to write in, to me. That's a true fan - a Van Halen fan, and a Brian A. Gnatt fan.

And when I heard that the terrible Sammy Hagar quit the band, I'll admit, I was ecstatic. The fact that David Lee Roth was in the studio recording with Eddie, Alex and Michael again was a bit of a thrill.

Until I remembered two facts: No. 1: David Lee Roth is a pompous ass, and No. 2: Van Halen sucks. Neither has done anything new or remotely interesting for the past 10 years, and what they did together during the band's heyday was pretty much mediocre, save a few lucky hits. But the thought of the original gang rejoining was still an interesting prospect.. When David Lee Roth reappeared with the other three original Van Halen members at the "MTV Video Music Awards" in September, I couldn't understand why the band decided to take him back. Right off the bat, Roth began posing and acting like his obnoxious self, obviously bothering the other Van Haliens. Was this going to be another reunion for big bucks? Were they going to follow in the footsteps of the Eagles, Page and Plant, Kiss and the Sex Pistols?

The answer sounds like a "no," because Van Halen has apparently dropped Roth again. After only a couple months being with the guy, they decided they couldn't take it, not even for seven-figure paychecks. Putting up with David Lee Roth wasn't even worth making God knows how many millions of dollars.

Regardless, Van Halen is back at square one - again. They used to be the band you'd think of when somebody lost their singer. The fact is, Van Halen was one of only a few rock bands in history that was able to lose its original singer and continue to sell loads of records. The chances of that happening again are quite slim. MTV reported Extreme's Cherone might fill the spot, a fitting replacement for another hard-rock burn-out like Hagar. But only time will tell whether Van Halen's same old riffs and generic white-male-screamer singer will be able to keep the white trash tradition alive.

I just can't wait to write the review.

Brian A. Gnatt can be reached via e-mail at bgnatt@umich.edu